The Honest Review

Chapter 5.

The Helper of Modern Folk

Times are moving fast. We're living in one of the fastest developing cities in one of the most anal countries in the world. People are dumb and impatient, and they either have very little, or too MUCH time to spend on recreation.

Sometimes, all we want to do to get away is watch a movie. We turn to Hollywood because it is a widely accepted belief that they do it the best. Over the years, however, that fact has more fiction in it than most of the senseless tripe that country produces these days. Although piracy is a finely tuned machine in Pakistan, it still burns when a man knows that he just spent a hundred rupees and two hours that he is never getting back, as he ejects the dvd from his player and breaks his copy of 'Johnny Mnemonic'.

So why should it ever be, that the one or two sittings to yourself you get in a week - IF you're a hard working individual - should go to a complete waste because that guy behind the counter in your video store is recommending films that he's never even seen in a language he doesn't speak, and handing the Chronicles Of Narnia to a young woman next to you who's asked for a nice little romance flick, when the only time anyone in that movie showed any romance was a BEAVER couple since the HUMAN stars were all minors and were looking at child pornography charges if any serious romance went down.

It made me wonder, if there was anyone who was finally going to be straight up and BRUTALLY honest about how they review their movies for the benefit of people who, today, have such an insanely large international catalogue of movies being released to choose from.

Ladies and gents, as the helper of modern folk, I feel it is my duty, to present to you:

The Lodhi Review

Sticking to the point for the people

1. The Guardian: Ashton Kutcher plays a tough young cadet, fresh out of the college swimming championships which he took the gold in. He plans to play out his lifelong dream to break every record ever set by any rescue diver in the U.S Coast Guard. Kevin Costner plays the teacher of the class, a veteran diver who's saved over 50 people in seperate diving incidents throughout his career, and YET couldn't save this film from drowning to near death at the box office. The next to nothing dvd sales take care of this. Kevin Costner, till today, remains the only man to ever have bought a copy. Ashton Kutcher denies having worked in the film.

2. Snakes On A Plane: Samuel L. Jackson is a black man with a gun on a plane full of snakes. People die, snakes die. 90 minutes later, you realise you wished a snake had actually bitten you 10 minutes into the film so you would'nt have to sit through this tripe.

3. Borat: A man with a terrible accent which sounds nothing like an Uzbek travels throughout America, recording his trip on a low budget camera, proving once more that after decades of progression in intelligent comedy, the best way to to reach the top of the charts in a country where the people don't even know their first president's name, is still just to show two naked men wrestling and cursing in any foreign language as long as it sounds relatively like those brown sand suckers they keep invading.

4. Chain Reaction: Keanu Reeves outruns a nuclear explosion on his motorcycle. An hour later, thats still the only interesting thing that has happened in the movie.

5. The Covenant: Due to something of a curse on a number of families and their following bloodlines, four young men in a small town develop super powers beyond the imagination of any mortal man in the world today. The four men use their powers to blow up womens skirts and get a look at their panties.

6. Rocky Balboa: Beloved retired boxing superstar Rocky Balboa steps into the ring one last time to redeem himself for the movie Rocky 5. He fails.

7. Kingdom Of Heaven: The holy city of Jerusalem becomes the birthplace of Jerry Springer culture when Orlando Bloom goes there as a knight to fight for God, but ends up sleeping with a woman who had sex with his father. Even two thousand years ago, no one feels like watching this on television.

8. Casino Royale: Renowned MI6 agent James Bond makes his appearance in his 45th motion picture, which leads to his SECRET identity not being very SECRET any more. He performs none of the established James Bond trademark actions, from keeping his calm to playing a good game of cards to even knowing what his favourite drink is. As a result of his hotheaded approach to the espionage world, he gets a knotted rope smacked onto his balls. Very hard. Repeatedly.

9. Hitch: Will Smith falls in love. He falls out of love. He helps men to get women to fall in love. He falls in love again. He helps a fat man learn how to dance. He falls out of love again. He learns some important lesson in life. He falls in love yet again. The end credits begin rolling.

10. Deja Vu: Denzel Washington and a cast of others realise that it is finally possible to travel back in time and they save the life of a beautiful woman, when clearly, the more intelligent move would have been to go back and advise the producers of the movie never to make this piece of crap.

11. I, Robot: Detective Spooner of the Chicago Police Department chases after a homosexual robot called Sonny for presumed murder. After an hour of technical garble and a war between man and machine, the point still remains that it was in fact, murder. Sonny the homosexual robot sees no jail time for his crime.

12. Jurassic Park 3: As the important life lessons to be learnt from the Jurassic Park adventures become ever increasingly shallow, this time, a whole lot of killing ensues to bring a boy and his divorced parents back together. Dr. Alan Grant hitches along for the ride, only to learn that the suprising evolution of the lizards has brought about the highlight of the film, a terrifying new species of dinosaur. Unknown to the writers, this new Spinosaur actually existed before the Jurassic Age. Dino nerds around the world laugh at this. Then cry because the movie still made more money than they make in a decade digging up bones for a living.

13. Clerks 2: A small group of semi actors, semi writers and semi directors with very little money make another movie. It does not help them get laid this time either.

14. The Lady in the Water: A woman escapes from a fairy tale land to enrich mankind with all the knowledge of the universe and its many realms. Instead of telling influential people in high places who could actually use this knowledge and take steps towards the benefit of the human race, she goes to a generic cast of characters that can barely afford to live in a shabby apartment complex. They keep it a secret forever.

15. Million Dollar Baby: After years of depression caused by a fear to believe in himself anymore, a veteran boxing trainer finally comes out of his hole to redeem himself, and trains a young woman to fight. She breaks her neck. Clint Eastwood gets an Oscar for surviving Hollywood till the age of seventy six.

16. Meet Joe Black: Brad Pitt is asked to be a little less BRAD PITT in his performances. He manages, but only after being hit by two seperate cars going at a hundred and twenty five miles per hour.

17. Erin Brokovich: Julia Roberts plays a woman destined to become a lawyer to help the poor people of a small town where the water has been poisoned due to imporperly followed safety regulations by a conglomerate. She is never taken seriously. She does not grip that maybe it's because of the giant breasts she keeps waving in peoples faces.

18. PayCheck: A man who replicates all forms of groundbreaking technology and has his memory erased, somehow creates a time machine that looks into the future. John Woo looks into the future, and relaxes when he sees no other director could make Ben Affleck act well either.

19. Troy: Brad Pitt plays Achilles. And despite the heavy history, that's the focus of pretty much the whole movie.

20. Dark Water: A bunch of japanese people make a movie with barely any budget. Years later, an American producer makes the same movie with LOTS of budget. Jenniffer Connelly fires her agent.

More when there's more.